


but in between there's you and me

by anothersadsong



Series: close ain't close enough [4]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 19:29:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11470185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anothersadsong/pseuds/anothersadsong
Summary: finally, three months after starting this ... more may be on the way, i haven't decided. for all the wonderful enablers in my life. no betas, we post at 3am and find innumerable mistakes later.





	but in between there's you and me

'captain andor - ',the tinny, jarring voice of the med-droid cut through jyn’s thoughts, pulling her from her mental picture of just how she and cassian were going to properly reunite after a month and a half apart, both having been pulled to different sides of the galaxy entirely. they kept in contact via comlink when they could, but that was hardly the same thing as actually having time and opportunity to spend with each other, tangled up in a mess of limbs in their shared bunk, boneless and satisfied, panting and laughing, littered in marks made by overeager mouths and hands alike, and -

‘captain andor - ‘, the droid tries again, finally catching jyn’s attention. she’s spent an entire lifetime using assumed names in order to get by unnoticed - liana and kestrel and tanith and a handful of others - that it’s sometimes still a surprise to hear her given name, and now, her married name, not to mention her brand new rank.

captain jyn erso-andor, married to major cassian andor. the heroes of scarif. the survivors of scarif.

sometimes, it still feels as though she is living a life that is not meant to be her own. But despite the difficulties, and despite the danger that still permeates every day, she is … happy enough. privately, she holds onto the hope that someday, maybe not soon, but someday, they could have a normal life far away from the death and destruction and loss and heartbreak of war. and she knows that it isn’t going to be easy, especially for people like the pair of them, but she wants it more than she’s ever wanted anything in her whole life. mundane, by other people’s standards. downright boring in comparison to the lives that they are living now. completely taken for granted by the people that are able to live the same types of lives far away from the horrors that jyn and cassian have had to face for far longer than anyone should have to face such things. maybe they’d have children. maybe they wouldn’t.

but they would be happy together, and that’s the only thing that matters.

‘yes, i - ‘, she answers, shaking her head of all distractions, training her attention on the droid in front of her. ‘sorry.’

the med droid would have given kay a run for his money when it came to being judgemental. if it could have cleared its throat before it continued speaking, it probably would have, leaving jyn feeling chagrined in its wake.

‘there was an anomaly detected in your exam, captain’, the droid informs her, and all color drains from jyn’s face. the mission hadn’t been particularly dangerous more than it had been long and drawn out. for once, she hadn’t returned to echo base with any wounds, superficial or otherwise. to say that she’s confused is an understatement.

‘what exactly do you mean by ‘an anomaly’?’

if a droid could sigh, this one would, she thinks, her brow furrowing as she wracks her brain in an attempt to figure out if she’s picked up an illness that she wasn’t already vaccinated for, or if maybe she’s picked up a parasite of some sort that she would need to be treated for before she was sent out on her next assignment.

‘you’re pregnant, congratulations’, the droid states flatly, and jyn thinks that maybe there should be a little more celebration when hearing such news. immediately, her hands rest against her abdomen, and although her eyes widen to think that there is a baby in there, she knows exactly when and where he or she had been conceived. it hadn’t exactly been romantic, given the fact that they’d had to hurry before their respective ships were due to depart, they hadn’t exactly taken their time, but apparently they had been come away from that particular go-round with a little parting gift nonetheless.

she hasn’t experienced any of the symptoms synonymous with pregnancy. her cycles have never been regular, so she’s had no reason to suspect that she was late at all. no morning sickness, or any sickness at all, no strange pains or cravings. she’d thought, and rightfully so, that everything was fine.

and now …

there are no children on base, although plenty of people were fraternizing, cohabitating, and some couples were even married, just like jyn and cassian. jyn was beginning to feel a sneaking suspicion as to why that was. birth control was readily available, and required in some cases, but it wasn’t always 100% foolproof, as she was finding out firsthand.

‘we can schedule you for a follow-up appointment soon. termination only requires a day or two away from active duty - ‘

‘no!’, she cries, shaking her head vehemently, aghast at the very thought. it makes perfect sense, of course, they’re in the middle of a war, it is not the most opportune time to begin a family. but she wasn’t going to go through with anything irreversible without speaking to cassian first. he has a right to know, after all, that he was going to be a father if they ultimately decide to go against medical advice and keep the baby. ‘i’ll make the appointment myself. i just - i have to speak to my husband first.’

‘very well. you are free to go, captain.’

~

she is going to tell him.

but it's difficult to find any words other than 'oh, fuck yes', groaned over and over and over again as he's got her back pressed against the painfully frigid wall of their quarters, and he's perched on his knees between her open thighs, and he's urging her to hook a knee over his shoulder and he doesn't hesitate at all to lick and suck and nibble at her until she is a sobbing, moaning mess and he's grinning smugly at her, his mouth absolutely sopping with her essence, his eyes, his expressions, his actions telling her 'welcome home' without ever saying a word.

she is definitely going to tell him.

but when she's woken up much too early for her own good with one leg hitched over his hip, his arm wrapped firmly around her, holding her steady as he fucks slowly into her from behind, there's no helping the way she loses all sense of herself, intended words included, only able to concentrate on each measured stroke, and the way, inevitably, he stokes the fire burning low in her belly into the inferno that always threatens to consume them both whole. his breath, hot against her ear, his voice as he murmurs encouragement and praise both, and the way they fit together as though they were made for each other, and jyn can't hold out forever, no matter much she might wish that she could, that this exact moment in time could last, frozen in time - soon enough, she's shivering and shuddering and sighing her satisfaction, and he's soon following suit, and they find themselves both unwilling to untangle from around each other even as they slowly slide back into sleep for at least a few hours more.

she is absolutely, unequivocally going to tell him.

but not when they're attempting to take refuge from the hustle and bustle of echo base by hiding around some corner in some lesser utilized corridor, his hand thrust down her trousers, two fingers filling her and filling her and filling her again, her lips at his throat, biting and sucking and kissing, anything to keep from making too much noise and alerting anyone within hearing distance to what they're getting up to. 'that's it, that's my good girl', he coos, his voice little more than the hint of a husky whisper against her ear, and she breathes sharply, her knees giving out almost completely, grateful for the way he curls an arm around her, and keeps her steady, still, and standing upright, even as she's completely overcome by wave after wave of pure, unadulterated sensation as it washes over her, again, again, again.

she is going to tell him ... eventually.

~

jyn never actually gets the chance to tell cassian, even though she’s found herself with plenty of opportunity to do so. the moments just never seemed … right. or she found herself distracted by other things entirely, such as cassian’s hands and his mouth, and the way that they still gravitate toward each other, still need each other as much as they ever have, three years after getting married. or, they were pulled to separate sides of base in order to assist where they are needed the most, and by the time they are able to come back together, telling him is the very last thing on her mind. telling him is only made more difficult by the fact that jyn doesn’t even know what she wants, her decision fluctuating with her moods, and the days as they pass. some days, she thinks that they absolutely cannot bring a new life into a world that’s so torn up and uncertain. and some days, all she wants is to begin a family of her very own, to give her child the life that had been so cruelly taken away from her when she was far too young to be without her parents.

and through it all, she can’t even begin to gauge what cassian wants, either. he doesn’t talk of his family often, and when he does, there’s a pain that lingers in his eyes and in his voice and in his heart that she knows will never disappear. she shares that same pain, she knows it better than most, she would never wish it on anyone, not even her worst enemies, and yet …

if they have a child, there is no guarantee that they would be able to keep their son (would he have her smile?) or their daughter (would she share cassian’s deep, dark eyes?) safe. how could they possibly, after everything they’ve lost, believe that they were capable of keeping all the bad in the galaxy away from their child? how could they possibly believe that they were equipped emotionally to deal with the intricacies and difficulties of parenthood, especially since they were still learning how to maneuver through married life? how could they even begin to think that they could provide their child with the kind of life that they deserve to live, happy, safe, away from the ravages of war?

but if they decide together that now is not the right time … who’s to say that they’ll ever have this chance again? and if they didn’t, would they feel guilty for giving it up when they did have the chance? would that change the way that they felt about each other in the process? she couldn’t imagine, and didn’t want to, the size of the divide that might slowly push them apart. a life without cassian wasn’t much of a life at all, she had accepted that years before, holding each other tight on that beach on scarif, waiting for their imminent demise. it was too soon for the both of them, but at least they were together. at least they’d never be alone again.

and so, the mental debate rages on, her mind torn, shifting between wanting what she never thought she could ever have, and feeling selfish for even considering bringing a new life into an unsafe world. cassian notices when she’s trapped in her thoughts, and although he gently attempts to coax jyn back to him, she always seems distracted. all he can do is remind her that he is here, and that she can talk to him about anything, and offer his steadfast presence, which does soothe her a bit, but not completely. this isn’t supposed to be happening - not here, not now, maybe not ever.

days turn into a week, and then two, and jyn still doesn’t say a word, and cassian worries all the more the further she pulls into herself, and they tread a delicate line between the peace and contentment they usually feel in the moments that they are allowed to be together, and falling apart entirely under the weight of the stress that now rests upon jyn’s shoulders.

she is going to tell him.

but all too suddenly, he is pulled into a briefing of the utmost importance, one that even jyn wasn’t invited to, and when he returns to their quarters, it’s with his brow furrowed in concentration … or concern … or maybe both. and before jyn ever gets a chance to ask what’s wrong, or more importantly, where he is getting shipped off to, because that’s obviously what the meeting was about, because they always are, and nobody else ever has the skills that cassian has, and he’s the only person in the whole of the rebellion that can do certain jobs, and he’s always pulled away from her, and more often than not, they are parted, for force knows how long, he grabs a bag that’s already been packed, pulls her close in order to peck a kiss to her forehead, and then one to her lips, and reluctantly steps away.

‘i can’t talk about it, jyn’, he says, already well aware of the questions racing through her mind. ‘i have to go.’

jyn doesn’t argue. she doesn’t protest. but her heart pounds a little harder against her ribs as she considers, however fleetingly, telling cassian about the baby. with a classified mission imminent, he can’t afford that sort of distraction, and she swallows the words down, hides them away, hopes beyond any hope she’s ever held in her little body that the mission is quick and easy and painless, and finds them reunited in a timely manner so that they can give that discussion the proper amount of time and consideration that it deserves.

‘just come back to me’, she murmurs, and although he offers a curt nod and a tiny, reassuring smile in return, he doesn’t make a promise that he knows he cannot keep. they’ve been lucky so far, but luck doesn’t last forever. it would be unfair to lead her on. ‘i’ll do my best’, he replies instead, and she knows that he means it with everything that he is.

he’ll try. it’s all she can ever ask of him, and it’s all that he’ll ever be able to promise her. he’ll try.

unceremoniously, he leaves her. alone in their quarters, jyn breaks down completely, sobbing until she physically could not sob anymore. she should have told him. they should have already spoken about it at length, and made a decision as to what would be best, and taken care of it, if that’s what they ultimately decided on. and now, she was left waiting and wondering and worrying about him, now, more than usual.

she does return to medbay, and does consult with a doctor, but decides that for the time being, she isn’t going to schedule a termination. she is reminded that the window of opportunity is not infinite, which she understands. she’s just adamant upon not doing anything rash without speaking to cassian first. (perhaps selfishly, deep down, she’s aware that he might not return, and she wants some little piece of him with her if that comes to pass, some visceral reminder that for one bright, shining moment, she’d been happy, and in love, even in the midst of war.)

the waiting was always the worst part, but all the moreso now. jyn found herself constantly on edge, and constantly on the verge of tears, her emotions a wreck from worrying and from changing on her at the slightest provocation. the normally stoic captain andor was a mess, and people were beginning to notice. even though they never brought it up to her, plenty of personnel talked behind her back, brought up the deep, dark bags underneath her eyes, her noticeable weight loss, the fact that more often than not, she appeared to have been crying. has something happened to major andor that nobody knew about? was she grieving, or have the stresses of her duties and responsibilities finally gotten to her? rumors spread like wildfire, but jyn could hardy find a reason to care. all she wants is her husband back, safe and in her arms.

all she wants, she thinks, late one night, three weeks and five days later, when she can’t sleep and she’s sitting at their shared desk wrapped in one of cassian’s sweaters just to feel close to him somehow, is to have him back. all she wants is to tell him about the child growing within her body, and to tell him that despite every instinct in her body screaming at her that it is not the right time, she wants to keep it. and even if they never actually get to settle into that mundane, boring life together, she wants whatever life has yet to bring to them. she might not be showing yet, she certainly might not know the baby, but she loves her child nonetheless. she knows that she would do anything to protect the baby, to keep it safe, to love it to the best of her ability, and cassian will, too, she’s convinced of it.

the days begin to bleed from one into another with no end in sight, and no word from cassian, and no explanations from the powers-that-be about where he’s been sent to, what he was doing, when he was expected back, not that that was much of a surprise. all jyn could do was find ways to keep herself busy, even though no matter how much she is distracted, her thoughts inevitably circle back to him. surprisingly, she’s become friendly enough with the princess to spend long sleepless nights speaking about anything and everything in an attempt to keep both their minds occupied from their darker thoughts. once, though, on a particularly bad night, she held on tightly to a small hand clutching her own, crying in relief when she’s told ‘he’s okay. soon, jyn, he’ll return soon. just hold on. just be strong’.

through leia, she met han, and chewbacca, and found herself having a hell of a time cheating them at sabaac. he always blusters and huffs and puffs when he loses, but more often than not, she finds a friendly hand clapping against her shoulder and the offer of a drink. ‘another time’, she always replies, snorting softly when he drawls ‘can’t wait to meet the man that’s managed to tame you’.

‘who says i’ve been tamed at all, solo?’, she challenges, unable to keep from laughing herself when he lets loose with a peal of loud, raucous laughter that is mostly bereft from the base as a whole, filling the room and brightening it exponentially, if even for a few quick moments.

through leia, she meets luke, the destroyer of the death star itself. with him, she finds a sense of peace and calm that she’s been missing her entire life. once, he tells her that they’d all be just fine, and she found herself wondering just how much he really knew, and if his words would actually come to pass. she’ll never say, but she holds onto them with everything that she is, hoping and praying to deities that she wasn’t even sure that she believes in that he is right.

she’s made friends again, and although she still mourns the loss of the friends she was still missing terribly, jyn she finds herself settling into familiar rhythms. their presence in her life did not take away her need for cassian, but they each help her through in their own particular ways.

three and a half more weeks pass by, and then, just as she was waking up from an unplanned nap while doing some translating work, a quick message from leia via comlink has her heart pounding wildly against her ribs. ‘medbay. he’s back. he’s okay’, and nothing more. but that is all that jyn needs to hear, off like a shot, pulling on cassian’s big, blue parka as she goes. she can’t exactly run through the icy hallways in her condition, lest she fall and find herself admitted to medbay too, but she walks as fast as her legs can take her, the determined expression on her face more than enough to make others jump out of her way before she barrels past them without slowing down.

jyn storms into medbay, startling the doctor doing the standard exam, and cassian, too, who stares at her through wide eyes. she must look a mess, panting, wild-eyed, desperate to see for herself that he is unharmed, that he’s returned in one piece. she won’t even be satisfied, truly, until she’s able to examine him for herself, touching each and every inch of him to reassure herself that he’s returned safe and sound.

if she looks at cassian as though she is a woman drowning, he stares at her with the exact same need in his eyes. ‘jyn … ‘

captain’, the doctor interrupts, as though his presence has even been noticed. ‘i’ll be done with the examination soon - ‘

‘a moment with my husband, please’, she requests, not above begging if she absolutely has to. there must be a tremble in her voice, or enough raw emotion shining in her eyes, because the doctor doesn’t deny the request.

‘a few minutes, captain, and then i really must finish my exam’, he acquiesces, quietly leaving the pair of them to themselves.

at first, all they can do is stare at each other, wary, as though they’ve both dreamed up the other. and then jyn just can’t hold back anymore, she practically launches herself at cassian, and he catches her easily, tender as he brushes her hair away from her face, plastered to her cheeks by the tears that she could not stop from falling, a heated torrent with no end in sight. he murmurs that he loves her, that he’d wanted to get in touch with her a thousand times or more, but it was a delicate mission, that he couldn’t risk arousing any suspicion, but none of that matter anymore, she thinks, now that he’s returned, now that he’s holding her as tightly as she is him, now that she has him and isn’t likely to let go anytime soon.

he slides a hand underneath the jacket, smiling softly, recalling each and every time he’s told her that it looks better on her than it ever did on him, especially the times in which she wore little else underneath. his fingers curl around a hip and squeeze gently, and jyn holds her breath in anticipation. ever observant, cassian notices the new softness there, glances at jyn wonderingly, and then lets go just long enough to push the jacket open just a little bit more. her shirt is baggy enough that it obscures her well enough, but as he smooths it down with trembling fingers, she knows that he feels the beginning of the tiny swell of her stomach. his breath catches in his throat, and jyn thinks that she might pass out entirely, too many worries swirling through her brain.

but when cassian curls an arm around jyn, urging her all the closer, and when he breathes ‘are you … ? are we … ?’ in her ear, she was certain that although this was hardly either of their idea of a proper welcome home, it will do.

‘i was going to tell you’, she whispers through her relieved tears.

‘you’re telling me now’, he replies, pulling away so that he can wipe away each and every tear with gentle fingers.

there is still so much to say, so much to discuss, and so much that jyn needs to apologize for, but in the moment that he meets her eyes and whispers ‘we’re going to be okay’, it all settles. they would probably always have worries, and they would probably always have fears, but here and now …

she believes him.


End file.
